Why the state of Illinois should be considered a domestic terrorist…

After yesterday’s post, I was all hot and bothered and ready to jump into arbor-advocacy.  I’m easily distracted… typically by dinosaurs… so I wanted to act now before I forgot I wanted to do it.

A couple google searches later and I was halted in my tracks. THE STATE OF ILLINOIS DOESN’T CELEBRATE ARBOR DAY!  What the fuck?!!? What kind of worthless excuse for a state am I living in for christ’s sake?!? France !?!? This is the most un-patriotic, un-American thing I’ve heard since that Muslim Obama was elected.

I FOR ONE AM TAKING A STAND. One of the things the Arbor Day Foundation suggests doing, in honor of Arbor Day, is writing a poem.  And I agree. What better way to show your love for trees than by writing a poem on paper.  You know, Trees and Paper are really analogous to God and Jesus.  Trees have died on the cross (actually, they comprised the cross) for your writing pleasures.  The least you could do is write something about them. 

So, in defiance of this godless state’s ban on Arbor Day, I offer this…

Coniferous, deciduous, how I love thee

Oak, Fir, Chestnut, and Hickory

From a tiny seed, you sprouted tall and lean

A tender sapling, with pride you beam

Increasing girth, each year brings

Chronicling the ages with your telling rings

I breathe into you, you breathe into me

Such symbiosis, it was meant to be

This poem was quite a labor of love... while the words came organically, I had difficulty deciding how to publish it.  Writing it by hand was too emotional... I wanted to use a No.2 pencil, so I could feel the poem's tree spirit move from the pencil to the paper, but all I had were mechanical pencils. Fucking Obama.

When I decided to type it, what font would I use? Apple Chancery sounds like it was invented for tree poems, but then again, Curlz is the new Comic Sans.  And yet Lucida Blackletter is so regal, like a mighty Sequoia.  Which do you like best? Let me know and I'll make you a photocopy and mail it. Do you want it on regular weight matte paper, or maybe glossy? I could also do tag-board. 

Wow. That was intense. What an emotional roller coaster. That's all for today guys. 

Trees for 2012: Our Country's Last Chance

I may have already mentioned this, but I am an arborist.  Arborist means tree enthusiast (the root word, arbor, being the Spanish word for tree, and the suffix, ist, being the phonetic suffix of enthusiast). 

Anyways, as a tree enthusiast, I enjoy celebrating trees in all their glory, from simply admiring them, to some good ole dendrophilia. Hey, everyone needs some afternoon delight every now and then, and tree lovers are no different. 

With my pending nuptials, I began to contemplate my adulthood further and becoming a tree advocate is on my bucket list.  However, it turns out you have to actually become a certified arborist to get taken seriously in this country. Fucking Obamacare is ruining my life.

"Some people see arboriculture as youth culture, and when youth culture becomes monopolized by big government, what are the arborists to do? I think we should destroy the bogus capitalist process that is destroying arboriculture by mass marketing, and commercial paranoia behavior control. And the first step is to destroy the white house.”  ~Thurston Moore

I was thinking of starting a grass roots movement with some already established environmental groups, like PETA.  However, I am already hesitant, expecting the “animals are holier than trees” bullshit. A very wise environmental activist and philanthropist, Lindsay Bluth, once said "You know, beavers cut down trees all the time. If you call yourself an environmentalist, why don't you go out and club some beavers?"

Why all the hate against trees? I’ll never understand it. The world is riddled with tree genocide from massive problems like deforestation to everyday instances of man-on-tree cruelty (Hello! Mr. Gardner with the pruning shears! Those are my arms you’re cutting off! Don’t “No habla ingles!” me!!).  When will the insanity stop!?!?

I urge you to stand up for your right to preserve our nation’s greatest asset! If all the trees get outsourced overseas, guess what, there won’t be any oxygen for us to breathe! GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH!

Kinda Like Pornos

These are my favorite movies of Dinosaurs that are not Jurassic Park. It's like saying the best bands of all times, you don't say The Beatles because it's understood. If you were to ask My Libby she'd say the Offspring.


1. Tammy and the T-Rex

This reminds me of how I met my Libby, they told her I had brains



2. Theodore Rex

Whoopie is #2 on my list of 3 celebs I'm allowed to have sexies with if I meet them without my L getting furious ROFL. #1 is obviously Laura Dern. Libyb has chosen the guy from the Allstate commercials, Tex Hooper, and the old guy from the six flag commercials.



3. Adventures in Dinosaur City

My video tape of this is worn out. If you can make a dub for me please call me.




4. METAMORPHOSIS

The guy on youtube that posted this has a typo in his title it's really good

I Almost had a Heart Attack Today

I just found out about this. I don't know why I haven't been paying closer attention. I hope Sam and Laura sign onto the project. It's going to be amazing.

Reposted from wikipedia:

Jurassic Park IV

In June 2002 director Steven Spielberg told Starlog magazine that he planned to produce Jurassic Park IV and that director Joe Johnston, who helmed Jurassic Park III, would direct. In November 2002 screenwriter William Monahan was hired to write, with the film's release slated for summer 2005. In July 2003, Monahan completed the first draft, with the story no longer set in the jungle. Actor Sam Neill said he was returning as Dr. Alan Grant, with filming expected to begin in 2004 in California and Hawaii. In September 2004 screenwriter John Sayles was re-writing the script, with the film re-slated for a winter 2005 release.

In October 2004 paleontologist Jack Horner said he would return as technical adviser for the fourth film as he had done for previous Jurassic Park films. By April 2005 special effects artist Stan Winston explained that the delay in production was due to repeated revisions of the film's script, none of which satisfied Spielberg. According to Winston, "He felt neither of [the drafts] balanced the science and adventure elements effectively. It's a tough compromise to reach, as too much science will make the movie too talky, but too much adventure will make it seem hollow." In March 2007 Laura Dern was asked to return for the new film, which Universal still wanted to release by 2008. Director Joe Johnston was also reported not to be directing the film. Richard Attenboroughhas been contacted about reprising the role of John Hammond. Jeff Goldblum has expressed some interest in reprising his role of Ian Malcolm for the fourth film.

In December 2008 Frank Marshall and Kathleen Kennedy were asked if there was any development on the sequel. Kennedy responded, "No... I don't know. You know, when Michael Crichton passed away, I sorta felt maybe that's it. Maybe that's a sign that we don't mess with it." While Marshall and Kennedy were no longer signed with Universal Pictures in a production capacity, the two will remain involved with the studio and its plans for Jurassic Park IV. In November 2009 Joe Johnston discussed the possibility of Jurassic Park IV, stating that the story for the film is completely different from that of its predecessors and would take the franchise into a whole other trilogy.

Jurassic Park III director Joe Johnston revealed in an interview in January 2010 that Jurassic Park IV was set to be the beginning of a second Jurassic Parktrilogy. He also added, “Jurassic Park IV is going to be unlike anything you’ve seen.” Johnston says once he finishes Captain America, he hopefully will develop Jurassic Park IV with Steven Spielberg. Joe Johnston enthusiastically has confirmed the likelihood of the film's production more than once. On June 15, 2011 it was reported that Steven Spielberg has been brainstorming with writer Mark Protosevich on a film that happens to be the fourth film in the franchise. It is unclear whether it is a reboot or the fourth installment of the original series. During a new interview with Joe Johnston in July 2011, he stated thatJurassic Park IV was being discussed and would be a spin-off of the history of the first trilogy.

At the 2011 San Diego Comic-Con, Spielberg confirmed in front of at least 6,000 spectators that preparations for Jurassic Park IV were in progress, with a story ready and a script being written. Spielberg said that it would be possibly released "within the next two or three years", with a representative from Universal saying 2013 would be the preferred deadline for completion.

On October 26, 2011 Spielberg confirmed that the script was being written by Mark Protosevich, that he hoped for it to be released "in the next couple of years" and that he felt the story they were working on was stronger than that of Jurassic Park III.

In January 2012, Spielberg confirmed that he would not be directing the film, opting instead to be a producer.

On June 21st 2012, it was confirmed that Rise of the Planet of the Apes writers Rick Jaffa and Amanda Silver would be scripting Jurassic Park IV. Whether they will be continuing Mark Protosevich's script or creating a completely new script is unknown.

On July 2nd 2012, Frank Marshall responded to a question on Twitter which further confirmed that he will be producing Jurassic Park IV.

On July 21st 2012, in an interview Frank Marshall stated that Jurassic Park IV "will be on the screen within two years". He went on to say that they are aiming for a Summer release as it's a 'popcorn movie'. He also spoke briefly about the advancements in CGI and what that means for the Jurassic Park franchise, but said they won't be losing the animatronic dinosaurs. "That’s what’s gonna be great about it, technology’s taken a leap now that we can really do some great things". He also stated that the "dinosaurs with guns" idea was nothing but a rumor and is not the story for the new film.

wikipedia link [here]

This is great news. Obviously Jurassic Park 1 is amazing and certainly one of the best films of all time. JP2 and 3 are also awesome, not so much for the storyline, but mostly because of the sweet new dinosaurs they brought to life. I'm shaking as I type this, I'm so excited!

Hold onto your butts.

 

Cassowarys Ain't Nothing to Fuck With

Yeah yeah, I know they're not dinosaurs. But they're the closest thing we have. The Cassowary is probably the most bad ass bird on the planet. I mean look at that skull. If that thing doesn't say dinosaur to you, then you should get your head checked. They don't call them the worlds most dangerous bird for nothing.

Cassowarys are roughly 5 to 6 feet tall and weigh about 130 lbs. hrmmmm, sounds familiar. Their skull is shaped that way so they can run through the forests and not have to worry about smacking their head on the low branches. Which is good news because they're typically running at speeds around 30 mph. Imagine running into a tree at average human speed. Yeah that's gonna leave a mark. 

And check out the Cassowarys feet. Look familar? It should.

Cassowary claw

It's almost exactly the same as the velociraptors claws. the only thing missing is that bad ass talon that the raptors had. but that doesn't stop the Cassowary from being able to kill you. They've been known to kick with their center talon and rip open the victim. Probably not something you want to deal with. Fortunately they only seem to attack when they feel threatened. So if you encounter one it's probably best to keep your distance. Unless you're wearing one of those sweet bear suits. Then you could probably try to chase one around and try to pet it.

The velociraptor claw

So this bird is awesome and if you're in Australia or a good zoo, you should probably go check them out because they're basically the closest living thing we have to dinosaurs.

 

Hit the Road Jack

When I'm on the road I stop at one place and one place only.

Paulie's Sweet Sweet Batter

I’ve got two words for you. Unlimited. Flap jacks.  Rote counting aside, if I can’t have breaded pork tenderloins for breakfast, brunch, lunch, supper, and dinner, unlimited pancakes is next on my list.  That and dinosaur eggs, but I digress.   If you’re going to eat like a lumberjack, I think you should do it in a milieu fitting of a lumberjack: Paul Bunyan’s Cook Shanty, a family-style all you can eat restaurant with attached gift shop.  Think of it as the bastard child of a Cracker Barrel and Buca di Beppo.

Who is this pancake –loving virtuoso Paul Bunyan, you may ask.   Well, allow me to educate you.  Paul Bunyan was a lumber jack who toured the country in the early 1900s with his trusty companion, Babe (a blue ox).  His last name, Bunyan, is rumored to come from the French-Canadian word, “bonyenne,” which means “good grief.”  Red flag #1- Charlie Brown didn’t even discover the phrase “good grief” until the 1950’s.  (Take that, Wikipedia!).  Red flag #2 is, of course, that his last name could be derived from a sissy French word.  Everyone knows that ole Paulie was a God-fearing American.   Real patriots know that his last name is a common misspelling of the word “bunion,” or footie ouchies, as my Libby calls them.   And it’s understandable that Paulie would have footie ouchies. Have you seen how tall he is?!?! You know what they say… big guy… big bunions.   Or so I’m told.  Also, there are statues of him in states spanning from Maine to California so he clearly walked a lot.  

So that’s the story of Paul Bunyan and why he likes pancakes.   I don’t get up to Wisconsin often enough to quell my cravings for Paul’s sweet sweet batter, but sometimes, if I’m an extra good boy, my Libby makes me Mickey Mouse pancakes, which are almost as good as Paul’s… but not really… and she only let’s me have two because I have to fit into a stupid tux soon.

The end. 

Looks Like I Have to Start Saving Money....

Well well well. What do we have here? Oh, I don't know, maybe just the greatest fucking thing in the world. And of course excellence doesn't come cheap. I guess I'll be putting in some OT.

My Dream as a reality

Then I can scare my Libby all day long.

Greatest Television Show Ever?

This weekend, while my Libby was out buying groceries for the week and I was relaxing on the couch day dreaming about beautiful cherry blossoms and dogwoods radiating in the crisp morning sunlight; I stumbled on one of my all time favorite shows: Dino Squad.

I've forgotten how amazing this show is. First, let me start by saying that clearly Hollywood had been reading my mind for a long time. I spent the better part of my life wondering what it would be like to transformer into a dinosaur, and now Hollywood steals my idea and turns into a smash hit. 

The show's premise is pretty simple. Some anthropomorphic high school science teacher, who can turn into a velociraptor, talks to these kids via telepathy to stop earth crimes and what not. Pretty rad, I know.

The teens include Max, the brains of the operation. He turns into a T-rex, which is what I've always wanted to turn into, so Max and I are pretty similar. Then there's Caruso, sharp dressed, good looking kid. He turns into a Stegosaurus. Psssssssssst, Caruso, we all know your secret. It's okay, you're with friends. Fiona turns into a Spinosaurus, which is cool I guess. She's also the only girl in the crew so maybe she's more badass or something. I don't know. I got no problems with her. Roger is the black guy. And Buzz is the punk kid who turns into a Pteranodon. He can fly, that's awesome. Then they have a dog that turns into a pig/horse hybrid thing....okay....I don't know what that's about. Why not make him an ankylosaur or something. I guess these idiot writers don't know what the hell they're doing. 

Anyways, this show is fucking awesome and if you don't watch it you're probably a moron. And if Hollywood is listening, you stole my idea. 

I'm in, I'm in, I'm in the Dino Squad.

For Life

My Other Passion: Pork Tenderloin

“Tenderloins are just part of life” says Steve Jones, an Indiana Food Historian and tenderloin enthusiast. Where I come from, breaded pork tenderloins, or Breaded Pork-Ts for those “in the know,” are a staple of genteel living, and as close to ambrosia as you’ll get in a state that prides itself on damning people to fire and brimstone.

Elusive and unknown to most non-Hoosiers, the breaded pork tenderloin hails from Huntington IN, the same city as the great potatoe-loving Dan Quayle.

Founded in 1908 by Nick Freienstein, the original recipe includes a long soak in buttermilk before the cutlets are dredged in crushed cracker crumbs. The founding restaurant still stands today, where most everything on the menu is breaded, just to pay homage.

Snack-size breaded pork tenderloin.

Some (actually, only me) say that the BPT should be named our national sandwich. Few sandwiches have the stature and clout of the BPT, which is listed on the official Indiana government webpage, and even has it’s own Facebook page. Supporting my point more, critically acclaimed (34 likes on youtube!) documentaries have archived the brave pilgrimage of the BPT from its humble beginnings with a piglet martyr to its final resting place in a beholden potbelly.

Dave Clapp, of Mr. Dave’s Restaurant, maintains that “people traveling through Indiana owe it to themselves to try a breaded pork tenderloin” as they can’t be found “on the east coast, west coast, or Florida. Or even Texas!”

“It’s just too bad that people that don’t live around here that have experienced a tenderloin and then move away where you can not get them, I have people call here and just crave for a breaded tenderloin” remarks Dave’s son, Kevin Clapp.

However, like most of life’s euphoric experiences, Pork Ts also have a seedy underbelly. Much like methamphetamine, another one of Indiana’s delicacies, “If it’s a good tenderloin, you’ll never forget it. You’ll want another one and then eventually you’ll become addicted,” states Dave Clapp. However, unlike meth, BPTs are considered a designer, high-class drug, with local dealer, Morris May, noting “if you look in my parking lot you see a bunch of senior citizens, not a bunch of punk kids that don’t have no money.”

Local dealer “cutting” the tenderloin for distribution.

Regardless of the harrowing after-effects, “tenderloins are just part of life” and a life without BPTs is not a life worth living.

Me on my hajj to mecca.

Clever Girl

This is what it's like when my Libby finds me reading dinosaur books under the blanket with a flashlight past my bedtime. I'm the cool guy with the gun in this video, my Libby is the dinosaur poking its head through my blanket foliage.

Thanks for reading and sending all the emails. I make updates every day I hope so keep checking back.

This is Halloween last year. It was my best costume ever. Can you tell which one is me? My Libby made it for me it thanks for reading everyone.

The Hodag

In 1893 newspapers reported the discovery of a Hodag in Rhinelander, Wisconsin. It had "the head of a frog, the grinning face of a giant elephant, thick short legs set off by huge claws, the back of a dinosaur, and a long tail with spears at the end". The reports were instigated by well-known Wisconsin timber cruiser and prankster Eugene Shepard, who rounded up a group of local people to capture the animal. The group reported that they needed to use dynamite to kill the beast.

Read more about this terrible beast HERE

 If you run across one of these monsters, be sure to contact me immediately. Take photos.

And remember, fuck Obamacare.