I may have already mentioned this, but I am
an arborist. Arborist means tree
enthusiast (the root word, arbor, being the Spanish word for tree, and the
suffix, ist, being the phonetic suffix of enthusiast).
Anyways, as a tree enthusiast, I enjoy celebrating
trees in all their glory, from simply admiring them, to some good ole dendrophilia. Hey,
everyone needs some afternoon delight every now and then, and tree lovers are
no different.
With
my pending nuptials, I began to contemplate my adulthood further and becoming a
tree advocate is on my bucket list.
However, it turns out you have to actually become a certified arborist
to get taken seriously in this country. Fucking Obamacare is ruining my life.
"Some people see arboriculture as youth culture, and when youth culture becomes monopolized by big government, what are the arborists to do? I think we should destroy the bogus capitalist process that is destroying arboriculture by mass marketing, and commercial paranoia behavior control. And the first step is to destroy the white house.” ~Thurston Moore
I
was thinking of starting a grass roots movement with some already established
environmental groups, like PETA.
However, I am already hesitant, expecting the “animals are holier than
trees” bullshit. A very
wise environmental activist and philanthropist, Lindsay Bluth, once said "You know, beavers cut down trees all
the time. If you call yourself an environmentalist, why don't you go out and
club some beavers?"
Why all the hate against trees? I’ll never understand it. The world is
riddled with tree genocide from massive problems like deforestation to everyday
instances of man-on-tree cruelty (Hello! Mr. Gardner with the pruning shears!
Those are my arms you’re cutting off! Don’t “No habla ingles!”
me!!). When will the insanity stop!?!?
I urge you to stand up for your right to preserve
our nation’s greatest asset! If all the trees get outsourced overseas, guess
what, there won’t be any oxygen for us to breathe! GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME
DEATH!
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